Mama Maggiore's Ten Key Rules for Raising a Sane and Successful Teen

Chapter 4  Mama Maggiore’s Ten Key Rules for Raising a Sane and Successful Teen

These last several months I am starting to see teens and young adults in my private consulting practice. Not long ago, I finished a Novato TV interview here in California. Really wonderful experiences, all. In each session, whether with an interviewer, or a parent, or a kid, I notice myself sharing some of "Mama Maggiore's 10 Rules for Raising a Sane & Successful Teen." You know grandmas.   They always have something important to say! So here are some of Mama Maggiore's choice morsels to start with.  You know there will be plenty more to come! 

1) "Offer lightly intrusive guidance." In other words, don't be afraid to check in with your kids and suggest directions they might take. They may not follow you right away, but they'll keep your thoughts in mind and may blossom with them later.  You might say, "What's it feel like this new semester?  Do you feel you're on top of your work?" 

 Don't forget to check in about the emotional life, "How's it going with A, that friend you had the quarrel with last week?"  Or the business of life, either: "I see the plant nursery is hiring for the summer. You once said you would like to work with plants.  Would you like me to help you put a resume together?"

2) "Determine what your young person is good at and what they enjoy and enlarge from there."  When Gina was a first year student in high school, she came home so jazzed about her ceramic sculpture class.  The stuff she brought home from the class was amazing.  The school didn't offer any more classes in ceramics after the first year, so I found a teacher, who's studio was within walking distance of the school and Gina began to study with her.  It grew into a lifelong passion.  Today, Gina is a working artist and the Chair of the Art Department in a wonderful high school. Gina was good at many things, and your teen probably is too. Noticing what she loved and helping her enlarge on that was the key.  Also key is to notice what they are good at and also enjoy. Albert Einstein pointed this out as well saying, "You may be good at something and not necessarily enjoy it.  Choose the thing that makes you happiest."  Help your young person do the same.

3) "Don't discourage studies that you think are not materially useful." Art, Home Home Ec, Early Ethiopian Politics -- all learning can be to the good. I know. I raised two successful artists! How often do I use my own study of Medieval History? Practically every day.  It taught me what a life integrated with scholarship, service, art, music and spiritual practice could mean for me.  It also showed me distinct forms of leadership and how they work and when and how they fail to work.  People tease me about my knowledge of history.  But it is my touchstone.  

Another example:  My son, Max, always was very brainy with numbers and science. People marveled at his skills and told me he must become a scientist.  He also loved theater.  Should I have discouraged him from spending half of his days in the Drama department at school?  No!  He loved it and was good at that too.  Eventually Max became a stage electrician -- blending both sides of his brain into something integrated that he loved.  

4) " Introduce them to networks that will lift them up: Mentors besides you that can help them find new jobs, new skills, new adventures."  Gosh, how often do I hear parents say "I am so frustrated with my teenager. "? They just don't seem to have direction in life."  Uh, Mom? Dad?  This "direction in your teen's life" is YOUR job. 

 You know a ton of people.  Many of them doing amazing things.  YOU are doing amazing things. Remember the concept of the "Informational Interview?" Teach this skill to your kids.  Introduce your daughter or son to your work and your life.  Then introduce them to people you know.  Teach them to visit with people and ask what they do and how they do it.  Where did they go to school?  How did they learn to do what they do?  Do they have any advice?  Do they every hire teens?  No pressure.  Lots of learning and lots of time to muse over what they've learned.  I've introduced countless teens to corporate officers, judges, teachers, health care professionals, scientists.  The adult world is wide.  And it can be scary.  By bringing it to your kid in small, easy to handle, stress-free experiences, you give them a chance to see their paths into their future place in it.

Then when they're ready: Teach them to apply for college or for a job, or to write a resume, do well in an interview, send a thank you note."  Do not make the skills of approaching adulthood into weekly lecture sessions.  They have had more than enough of that at school.  "I know you're thinking about your personal essay for college.  It's important and you have some great stories to tell.  Have you thought of any that show who you are and what you think is important?"    If you want to teach them about applying for a job and going for an interview, don't make it too directive.  Instead, you might tell them a story about you and a simple way in which you triumphed when you first applied for and got a job. 

A resume the two of you may have to pound out together.  Because work experience is limited in the young, help them list and describe their volunteer work and their work with clubs or assistants at school.  It will impress employers with their initiative.

The thank you note and keeping in touch afterward are very important.  Even in today's world of fast technology and breezy contact.  Potential employers like to be appreciated, just like anyone else.  Your teen can thank them for their time and insights and perhaps win the job.  Or may be not.  But that isn't the point, is it?  A thank you, whether hand-written and sent through the post office or emailed, it is an exercise in good manners.  And that practice never goes to waste.

5) Never say, "I told you so." Ugh.  Four simple words in a crushing combo.  Your kid knows they screwed up.  Don't rub it in. Be still.  And let Silence be its own lesson.

6) The purple iris on its long, elegant stalk bloomed on this cold, wintry day reminding me of Mama Maggiore's Rule #6 for "Raising a Sane and Successful Teen": "Be patient." The seed you planted in one season will often wait to bloom in another. Have faith.  In your kid.  And in yourself.

7) "Celebrate triumphs; look for future solutions in failures."  Words are sometimes the 

greatest testament to a triumph.  I often have said the words of praise and then written a variant of them down in a note that I laid on their pillow. 

 Food is a fun celebrant for good grades or a great hockey game or a terrific presentation.  "What would you like for dinner?"  A small token, a book, a flower all say --"You're right on track, kiddo!"  In failures, help your teen see what went well and how they could build on that:  "I know you wanted an A on this report. Let's see... the beginning is very strong. Really brings the reader in. And the ending offers a wonderful solution.  What would you need to do to give more detail in the middle?"

8)  "Create an Exit Strategy."  As your teen leaves you to go into the adult world, you need to sit down with yourself and your partner to figure out:  How much money can we give to our young person? How regularly and for how long?  How often might we call or contact them?  How often would we like to see them for holidays, special occasions? Vacations?  Then negotiate with your teen or new adult.  And watch for moments that need tweaking.  Some periods of their lives they may need more money or more phone contact or less money and less guidance.  But overall you’re giving them a game plan for leaving you.  This is perhaps the most important gift you can give your kid.  And the hardest.  You can do it.  Be fair.  Be kind.  Be somewhat adaptable.  Let go.

9) "Teach your teen how to date and how to fall in love."  This is such an important facet of parenting that we will have to have a separate section on it.  Stay tuned!

10) "Teach your teen how to serve."  Teens are often described as narcissistic.  And that's true.  Up to a point.  For while teens are often, especially at home, inordinately devoted to their story, their lives, their room, their needs, outside of home they are often deeply involved in others.  Teens are people of passion.  There is often tendency not just toward the passion of emotion, but the passion of helping, of giving of being creative, of doing, of making things happen.  This energy to give and to mold the world in their image can be channeled.  It must be channeled.  It is the only way our world will survive.  

Teach your teen to choose causes and activities that matter to them and to serve them well.  Whether it's helping with the school dance or visiting the nearby nursing home or marching for a cause they believe in.  Show them all the ways you and others participate in your neighborhood, your religious and/or political organization, your town, you state, your nation, the world.  Make sure they are aware of the poor and the different ways you see of giving help -- whether its support or new skills.  See that they travel as much as you can afford so that they become aware of other cultures and other ways of doing Life.

I run a non-profit called Five 4 Five.  We choose at-risk youth in teams of five for five years and help them out of high school, into a college or training program and then on to meaningful jobs.  Our students are the poorest of the poor.  Some have been orphaned; some are homeless when they come to us.  When we started to work with the first group of teens and things were really going, one young man, Ricardo came to me and said:  “This is good.  You’re giving us help.  Now we’ve got to figure out a way to help other people.”  And that just about sums it up doesn’t it?  We don’t live this life alone.  And it is totally okay to show your teen the hard side of it.  And then teach them how to deal and how to work to make it better.

Chapter 3: Teens, Drinking and Drugs

Alcohol has always scared me.  I come from a family of “heavy drinkers” and at first I followed in their foolish footsteps. I can remember a few times in my life where alcohol and I created some ridiculous scenes.  But alcohol is really dangerous.  It is the single most consistent element in teenage accidents, crime sprees and rape.  You don’t want your kids messing with alcohol.  And of course, they will.  And this will worry you.  And it should.

We have a very good method for curbing the problem in our household.  It’s called “setting a good example.”  I know, I know, it sounds like poppycock to most people, but it has a tremendous effect. You may not be able to control a child’s behavior outside your realm but you can sure influence it.  They may not even seem to be heeding it right away.  This may mean that you may have an uphill conflict for several years.  But ultimately, they will know what is right and they will do what is right because they know what it looks like. 

Setting a good example was not easy for me.  I had come, as I have said, from a family that used alcohol to excess.  It was not uncommon for a member of our family to drive us home drunk from a family party. I can remember being in a packed station wagon full of kids with an adult male of our family driving down the highway.  He was crashing into the median barrier over and over again because he did not have control of his senses and therefore did not have control of his car.  But he did have a harrowing control of our lives.  It was like riding a roller coaster without the protective lap bar.  For two hours I lived in constant fear for my life and for the lives of all those I loved.  I still shudder to think I made it through that horrible night.

There were plenty of family quarrels and rifts that I strongly believe were the result of too much drink and not enough self-control. In high school, a boy I knew peeled out onto the highway and lost control of his car and went smashing head-on into a wall of rock. He had been drinking. In the high school our children went to, it became a common Saturday night entertainment to race the strip of highway just before one of the major exits.  They would be loaded with drink and the cars would be loaded with drunken boys eager to win or die.  Many died.  So many that the state law for driving as a teenager was radically changed and now teens must begin with six months of driving with a parent, then six months of driving with an adult person in the car before they can take responsibility of driving on their own.  In our areas police carefully watch the time of day, too. Night drivers are pulled over much more easily.  And as a result, a lot more kids are spending nights in juvenile hall.  No kid needs that.  No parent needs it either.

In our house, without being too self-righteous about it, adults try to act sensibly and responsibly.  I entertain a lot and try to make sure my guests have the full tea and dessert course before they go out into the night.  We have many beds and guests are always welcome to sleep over.  But more to the point there is my personal example that is most expressive.   When my daughter was 14, I decided I had best get on it.

Gina was new to high school and was of course, into trying every social gathering there was.  She joined the drama troupe. She helped with the Homecoming float.  She tried different clubs, she ran for the track team for a while.  And she went to every party she could.  Early in her freshman year, at one party in a remote town near the regional high school, she witnessed friends of hers getting completely drunk in the first part of the night and then spending the rest of the night vomiting into the bushes outside the dance hall.  It was a shock to Gina.  She was the Florence Nightingale of the evening, cleaning people up, getting them into cars with safe drivers and seeing they went on home.  She told me about the incident and said she thought it was the amount of alcohol, not drinking per se, that was the problem.  I don’t believe that 14 year olds, of any stripe, should be drinking alcohol and I realized that abstinence in this area was something I needed to require of her.  And the best way to require her commitment to such abstaining would be to abstain with her.

I announced the regimen early in the school year, right after this horrendous party at the town dance hall.  I would make Gina a deal.  I would not drink, smoke cigarettes or indulge in marijuana for one year, if she would do the same. I’ve never been a cigarette smoker so that was no big deal.  And marijuana is not hard for me to stay clear of. But it was the commitment to staying clear of alcohol that made it an amazingly tough year for me.  I had developed habit of using one glass a night of Chardonnay to help me through the rigors of preparing the family dinner, sitting through that dinner with my marriage shattering around me and cleaning up, helping with homework and doing bath time.  The wine made the rigors of the nighttime dinner table squabbles, and the organizing of washing up of kids and dishes bearable for me.  When I quit the wine, my only indulgence, I really was left to face those “witching hours” without any kind of crutch. For 30 days I missed that white wine stabilizer like a junkie might miss a fix.  I thought about it some part of every hour of every day.  I substituted juices and teas.  I created easier meals. I insisted on help from my spouse.  But every day, no matter how I altered the situation around me, at 5 o’clock, I still thought about and craved that wine.

And then I didn’t think about it anymore.  They say you can break a habit in 30 days.  And I am here to prove it.  At the end of the month, I no longer longed for the wine.  I knew my marriage was in trouble. Because I could focus on the parts of my family life that mattered without being addled by the wine, I could help make the dinner hour at least more bearable.  My daughter noticed my commitment and claimed her own commitment to her part of the bargain. She stayed sane and sober and so did I.   When the year was up, someone offered me a beer at a celebration and the first sip nearly knocked me out, the alcohol so overpowered me.  I couldn’t drink any more.  I had a class of water, and an hour later, I drove home.

 Since then, I’ve had a great respect for alcohol and I believe my daughter has too.  It is so clearly a depressant, meant to knock out the part of your brain that is whirling too fast and maybe a little too unhappily. But it keeps us from doing anything about that whirling painful part.  You cannot focus on you interior life. And when you cannot focus in, you cannot focus outward so well either.  When you are hiding the trouble, the trouble is always with you.

But you are an adult.  You know this already.  The point of my story is that Gina went through high school alcohol and drug free.  She was still hip, all right.  Much admired, very popular.  So she made it hip to be clear of those things she thought would do her no good.  When Gina said, “no, thanks” she meant it.  In college she created a female party group that used to walk to local parties and walk back.  There’s safety in numbers, for sure, so they took good care of each other that way.  But they also watched out for each other’s party intake, too.  It helps when you’re young to have someone tell you, “You have enough, we’re taking you home.”  Eventually you don’t need other people to tell you, you know.  And that’s a big step toward adulthood.

The next thing we do, after teaching abstention, is teaching moderation. When young people are sixteen or so in our house, usually around the Easter feast, we offer them a half glass of some good wine.  We might give a few instructions about sipping it, feeling the flavor in our mouths, etc.  But in general, it’s a special time ushering the young person into the ritual of drink.  It is meant to heighten the pleasure of a meal and meant to be taken in small measure.  Kids get it.

But in general, unless it is under the most highly special circumstances, your teen should not be drinking.  And you need to be especially careful that their visiting friends don’t drink in your home, either.  Make your home welcoming without alcohol.  Invite kids in and then clear out for a bit, coming in periodically just to poke your head in.  Go read a book in the back bedroom or the back yard.  Let them know they are free to have their privacy but also give them a sense of yourself as a withdrawn, but still very available, presence. Have games out on the coffee table: Jenga, Monopoly, Backgammon, a deck of cards.

 Then make sure there are pretzels or chips and some cold non-alcoholic drinks on hand.  Make clear to your teenager that you don’t want drinking going on in the house.  Explain to them the dangers of drinking and driving. Let them know that you and they are responsible if anyone does drink at your house and then leaves and gets hurt.  In most states your household can be named as liable for any accident that happens once your guest leaves the house.  Heady stuff.  Real stuff, to consider.

To make it clear to your teen that you are serious, have a talk with them about it before people start coming over.  It is good to renew this talk every year or twice a year until they move out and get their own place.  It doesn’t have to be much. Simply:

“I know you’re going to be having friends over and that’s great.  There are snacks in the closet and I put some cold drinks in the fridge.  I’ll be around but out of your way.  Just keep in mind I don’t want any drinking in the house.  I don’t want any one bringing any alcohol in and I don’t want them using any of the stuff that’s here.   Are we cool?’

The kid of course says yes, because all kids know that this is the best approach in such a situation.  You get rid of the conversation and your parent in one fell swoop.  If you argue, the teen realizes, you will lose and you will create a suspicious atmosphere that will mean your parent is always on you.  Just say yes.

Okay, so now you have been clear about the gathering and the alcohol and your presence.  At some point, one of these days or evenings, someone who does not know the rules, or who is there to break the rules, will appear with a bottle of liquor or a six pack of beer.   It is at this point that you must make a scene.  Yes, I said a scene.  Very low-keyed, so it gets the message across privately to the miscreants, but is subtle quietly done that does not end the party.  Something like this:

“Max, can I see you for just a sec.”  Max comes into the kitchen or study or wherever you have chosen.

“Someone brought liquor into this house.  I am confiscating the bottles and I want you to inform them and the others that there is no drinking in this house.  If I find out there is more liquor here, I’m calling the police.  Got it?”

“Got it.”   Your son or daughter goes out and quietly tells the third party what had been said and warns this party about making their own, larger scene.  If they are miffed, the guest can always come to you and in private you can tell him the same thing you just told your teen.  It usually works.

Kids want action.  If it looks like there is no action here, they will go where there is more action.  The movies, another party, bowling, rock climbing, whatever.  Don’t be surprised if they leave your house an hour or so after they have just arrived.  It is in the nature of teenage-hood to prowl.  That’s fine.  Just as long as you haven’t abetted the drinking portion of their prowling.

One more thing, the safest protection against your kid not becoming a drunk is for you not to be one, as we have said.  The next safest protection is for your kid to be surround by friends who are genuine friends – kids who do things, who have interesting lives, who can develop important conversations.  Encourage your young person in the search for good friends.  When someone stops by, engage them in conversation yourself.  Find out what the friend thinks, where they’ve been, what their family is like.  Offer details about yourself and your life that might interest them.  Remember they are people and if you show the least respectful interest in the music they like, the clothes they wear, the movies they see, you can have a real conversation with a real kid yourself.  Then, later, be sure to compliment your teen on something good you find in the friend.  “Logan’s neat he knows a lot about tea from working in that grocery store.”  Or “Jessica is so funny, she imitates sounds so well, it is amazing.” 

When a teenager’s friend enters your house and you are there, have your teen bring them to you to greet you.  By the same token, when the teen leaves, if you wish them to come by again, let them know you have enjoyed their visit and they would be welcome back again.  Kids take these final words seriously and they will come back again.  Even if you don’t have booze to offer them.

Drugs are a slightly different story.  But only slightly.  Most kids in high school will experiment with marijuana. As a parent who grew up in the 60’s I had a very laissez-faire attitude toward marijuana.  I had been stoned quite often as a teen and so I had a lot of guilt about ordering my son away from it.  It wasn’t until he came to a family party wrecked, that I noticed how upsetting it was relating to a person who was incapacitating a good part of his brain. 

I must tell you that Max had an enviable mind.  A talented actor, director, playwright in high school he also excelled in mathematics.  But he was not meant for the job in the office with the desk near the water cooler.  He made this quite clear when he was hardly 14.  Never one to go along to get along with school leadership, he formed his own path.  He took math classes at the local community college.  He became the Technical Director as well as the chief actor in his school’s excellent theater department.  He announced that he would do high school his way.  He would take only drama and math; he would read all the history and literature that filled the shelves of him father’s house and mine and at 18 he would take his High School General Education Development Test and go on from there.  College? He wasn’t interested.  He wanted to go straight into the work world. I was nervous, and yet in the areas that he loved, he shone.  My son was sure of his path.  He was taking it. 

At the end of high school, loaded with awards and praise for his work in the theater, Max found out about a program with the California Shakespeare Festival where he would be trained as stage electrician.  I helped him get into it and to travel the great distances it took for him to get to this new work.  At the end of six months, he took his GED and around that time finished his work with the Festival.  He applied for jobs in theaters in San Francisco and got work at The Magic and ACT and Teatro Zinzanni.  He gained a reputation for being capable and knowledgeable.  He was also spending his evenings getting drunk and stoned with 35 and 45-year-old men.

This terrific, gifted, bright young star, was in danger of becoming a wastrel. He was holing up in my garage in a makeshift bed where he would stumble home to pass out.   As much as I tried to reason with him and point him in a new direction, I could see it was doing no good. I realized after several mornings of watching him bleary-eyed and unfocused hobble to the john, that my son was in trouble. I had to face him down. We fought every night for three nights in a row. I said I wanted him to make his way in the world not ruin himself with drugs and booze and stumble home to sleep on a naked cot.  He said he would go live with other buddies in the neighborhood.  I tried to explain to him that it was time to find a path into the world.  He said he was doing fine.  He liked his life.  I saw him sinking into an abyss.  I had never had such terrible nights in all the 18 years of raising him.  I was frantic.

I sat myself down in the dark of the last quarrel’s sickening aftermath and pondered.  This couldn’t go on.  We were getting nowhere.  We were stuck in a whirl of negativity.  We needed some positive energy.   When faced with the world’s giant “No” I always go searching for the “Yes.”  I wracked my brain. What could change this banging of heads, this litany of disagreeable phrases we were now repeating to each other over and over again?  What positive solution was there that would give us both what we wanted?  What was something that Max would want more than a dissolute life of smoking dope and hanging out with roust-abouts?  It came to me gradually in the night and by morning I was ready for the summary conversation.

“Max,” I said when I sat down at the kitchen table late in the morning. “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?”

“Anywhere?”

“Anywhere.”  He thought but a second when I answered him.

“Thailand,” He said.

“Good enough,” I said.  “Pack your bags.  You are leaving in a week. I’ll purchase you a round trip ticket today. You’ll be gone for a month --- 30 days.  You’ll pay for your 30 days there out of your own money.”

“I’m not ready to go in a week!” He protested.

“You’re going,” I said. 

And so he did.   A week later I drove him to San Francisco Airport and said good-bye.  He flew away.  A month later, after traveling, rock climbing, swimming, he had found a job as a bar tender.  He lived in a room over the bar.  He was still only 18.  Two Americans came into the bar while Max was bar tending.  The man was in his 30’s; the woman was about 50.  The terrible tsunami had happened and they wondered if Max wanted to go with them to a relief camp to build new housing there.  Max agreed to go with them.  They drove the length of the peninsula to a little village where a thousand people were sleeping in a field on newspapers.  There was a team of carpenters from the US, Canada, Italy and Germany working furiously with the villagers to build new housing.  Max had lots of experience building things from his theater work and  so he set to the job with a team of older men with alacrity.  He loved it.  He emailed me he was staying another month.

Chapter 2: The 80-20 Formula

Like many families, we came to the realization one day that we needed a fresh start.  I felt like I was not getting my more positive thoughts across to my kids.  And they were acting accordingly. That’s when we developed the 80-20 formula.  This formula says that in any task, or relating, your optimum balance should be 80% “Yes” and 20%  “No.”  It is a formula you may have been using unconsciously for a long time.  If so, then bravo!  But if your young person is feeling discouraged and has no vital interests that excite them, then it’s time to look at your 80-20 balance.

Here’s a tale that taught me how to use the 80-20 formula to generate enthusiasm for yard work in my son, Max. When Max was coming into his teen years, I decided one morning that the garden really needed some cleaning up.  I proposed it to him, but he was not interested. 

“I hate gardening,” he declared.  Yet, I knew that he had extensive experience gardening at school.

“But you garden every day at school,” I reasoned.  Bad strategy.  Reasoning rarely works to overcome distaste and where’s the positive possibility in it?.

“That’s because they make us.  No gardening.  No recess.”  Hmm, so should I go the mandatory route? No gardening, no visits to friends?  No, then we’ll end up in a head on collision.  Try moral suasion.

“We’re a family and the front yard of our family home looks awful.  I cannot fix it myself.  I need you to help, as part of this family.”  He looked at me blankly.

“You want me to fix the yard because other people will think we’re messy?”  Careful mom, he’s getting his own arguments ready.

“Yeeees,”  I say warily.  “That’s part of it.”

“Sheez, Mom.  I thought you told us not to care what other people think. Right?”  He was faced away from me, but I imagined a grin lurking somewhere on his face.  Ah!  He’s got me.  Or has he?

“Look, I’ve got everything out there – a shovel, the rake, the gloves, the pick.  All you have to do is……”

“A pick!?!  You have a pick?!?”

“Yes, of course…..”

“You didn’t mention a pick!”  Suddenly, he was up off the couch, out the door and into the garden.  The pick, with all its manly connotations of both power and destruction, was exactly what he needed.  He worked fiendishly for hours clearing weeds, turning over earth.  I followed behind gathering dead leavings and soon the garden was clear.  He wasn’t so interested in planting new bulbs.  But I could accept that, because I got my 80-20 balance and the garden was done.

Max dug 80% of the gardening, literally and figuratively, because most of the work involved a tool he really enjoyed.  He would even do 20% of what he considered the uninteresting tasks because the pick gave him so much satisfaction a majority of the time.

The 80% rule also means that your attitude toward your son or daughter is generally 80% yes and 20% no.   The vast majority of the time, you think of them as good people and tell them so.  When they ask you for something,  you try to see that they get it.  And you aren’t distressed when sometimes a trial effort doesn’t work out.  My daughter Gina thought she wanted to play piano.  We purchased an upright from a neighbor and she took lessons for a while. When it seemed that the piano was not her forte—80% frustration and only 20% success, we sold it to someone else.  It was okay.  Gina was learning about herself.  And we were learning about her, too.  She went on to many other things that were much more rewarding for her and which she delighted in and succeeded in, instead.

With school you want a strong positive balance, too.  As parents, we get better all around results when we encourage the intellect rather than just grades. Sure school is important but you are your child’s ultimate teacher.  Take them to plays and musical events --- ones you choose and ones that they choose, too.  Get a membership in a local museum so that you can go inexpensively and they can take friends for free.  Keep the visits brief. Don’t become a tour guide.  You are looking for that 80-20 balance, remember.   Half an hour might be just the right measure a first time visit.  Then work up to an hour then two in subsequent visits.  Watch and learn what intrigues your teen and put more of those kind of adventures in front of them. The same goes for trips to nature. Make them short and sweet and grow the interest and the stamina over time.

As far as school performance goes, accent the positive.  The pressure-cooker of competition for grades is not making our kids smarter, it’s making them more fearful.  And that can’t be good.  When you look over your teen’s report card, praise the fine work, the 80%,  you see represented there. “I notice all those late nights studying for Algebra tests are paying off.  Good for you!”  Inquire of the 20% that aren’t so great in a respectful manner: “Do you need some help on this history work?”  Don’t make perfection your guide rule.

 Studies show that kids who are forced to only seek perfection, often drop out or fail to reach their dreams. Studies also show that doing well or pretty well 80% of the time can lead to feelings of self-confidence and a willingness to take risks when the time is right.  These are qualities—self-confidence and a willingness to try some things that are new-- are valuable in every walk of life.

 Look for things your child enjoys doing well and accent those skills.   See that your child receives the support from you they need to shoulder on.  If the homework is too much, step in.  Help out.  Take them to the library and hang out in the magazine section while they work on their research.  Not with a  “You’re wasting my time” attitude but with a cheerfulness that tells your young person “I’m with you.”  When they seem to be flagging on a project, go over their thoughts or their outlines with them.  Not in a punitive, judgmental way, but with an air of respect for their efforts.

My daughter Gina reminded me of times when we turned schoolwork from “The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner” into a “Team Sport.”  Frazzled by school and work commitments, Gina could not face an application for an arts program that she really wanted to get into.  The essays put her into a state of anxiety which made her think she wouldn’t be accepted.  We developed a system.  She dictated her thoughts.  I wrote them down.  We went over the notes.  She typed them up.  She got into the program. 

The 80-20 rule forms teens who can do tasks, who can ask for help, who can work together and can be patient, too.  They don’t expect everything to constantly go their way.    They know life is great but it also has its tough moments.  This helps them to be more respectful of others. They use the 80-20 rule.  After a meal out they might say:  “The food wasn’t great but the waitress was a riot. It was fun.”  They can take any experience and get something out of it.

The best way to teach the 80-20 rule is to live it yourself.  Quit the negative self-talk.  Give yourself that 80% of positivity you need. Boost yourself and then you will be able to boost your young person, too. Show your kid the positives of your life and let them know how you are facing and over-coming difficulties. Try always to bring your life to an 80-20 balance. Happy parents, create happy kids.  The happier and more contented you are, the more likely your kid will be contented, too. And there is no better boost you can give your child than that.


Excerpted from Because Life is a Wild Ride – Raising a Sane and Successful Teeanager by M.A. Maggiore copyright 2012. Please do not reproduce this material without explicit and written permission from Mary Ann Maggiore. 

Chapter 1: The Two Basic Rules

        I have raised my own two teenagers.  I have helped 30 more at-risk teens make it into and through college, I have taught and guided hundreds of teens in programs and commissions for many years.  And through it all, teenagers and what I call “new adults” have remained my favorite people.
        Call me crazy but I find the years from 12 to the mid-20’s the most intriguing, exciting, interesting years of a person’s life.  Sure, I’ve done the 2 AM worry-walk a few times.  And I have had to appear at vice principal’s offices a couple of times.  But I found that all in all it wasn’t so hard.  I had a few basic guidelines and a fair amount of respect, for myself and the kids.   And so the rest of it has been kind of easy.
        Many people have asked my advice or my “tricks” for making this rollicking time in a family’s life so enjoyable and so successful.  So here are some of the “secrets” I can share with you.

The Two Basic Rules

        Let’s start with two simple rules. To initiate the rules, you need to begin from a positive point of view.   A peaceful place, a quiet weekend morning or afternoon will do.  Begin with a note of truth, followed by a note of optimism.  Something like:
        “I’d like to make sure we are always in good communication with each other. You get what you need and I get what I need.  So I am going to suggest two rules that I think will work for both of us….”   Then launch in.

Rule Number One  – You must have good manners.  This means you must be kind to me and kind to others in the world.  Don’t become a doormat.  But do take care, whether it’s at the dinner table or getting onto a bus, that you treat people with respect.

Rule Number Two – As much as it is within your power, you must seek to survive me.  Don’t do anything so stupid or so dangerous that it might get you killed.  Your job is to live long after I do.

        These rules are so simple, they are almost laughable.  You would think at first that they couldn’t do much. Yet, oddly enough, I have found over many years of practice that these rules cover a tremendous amount of ground.  And here’s why.
        As regards Rule Number One, though we often forget them, manners are the great civilizing power of our species.  Manners are what keep us from punching people when we are angry. Manners steady us when the line at the post office seems so tedious.  Manners help us slow down, and look before we act, think before we speak.  In those moments where manners lay their claim, compassion often steps in, giving us a chance to not only act more reasonably but to see more clearly beyond our selves.  This “seeing beyond one’s self” is one of the most important skills you can help your teen attain.
        Every time we say please or thank you, or hold the door, carry a grocery bag, tell someone we love them, chew with our mouths closed, we are increasing our manners quotient and also improving our lives and the life of the world around us. Regardless of their personality or their developmental level, this rule helps your teen create their own guidelines for behaving well in the world.  And that’s so much of what great parenting is all about – that a young person eventually becomes self –motivated and does not need us to remind them of what needs to be done.  They can approach a situation on their own and give it what they know it rightfully needs.
        Kids want to be decent human beings.  They like to be treated well.  And they can be persuaded, more times than not, to treat others well, too.  Even if they don’t always follow the rule, or even if they give the impression of not listening, the rule has an inner engine that will, over time, do its work.  Be patient.  Don’t fight over it.  Be firm.  Step back.  Let some time go.   As time goes by you may see that the value of this edict can be very powerful.
        Rule One gives your teen the guideline he or she needs to rectify many foibles: Forgetting to take out the garbage.  Leaving wet laundry in the washing machine for two days.  Borrowing clothes without asking.  Forgetting to take videos back to the video store.  Neglecting to call when they will be late for dinner.  When you point out any of these misfortunes, say how you want the situation corrected and leave the conversation without threats or anger. You will be amazed at how often situations rectify themselves.
        So much for Rule One.  Now on to Rule Two.
        Rule Two as we have noted says:  “As much as it is within your power, you must seek to survive me.” Because the rule states, “As much as it is within your power,” it offers your teen the chance to reason with their own power.  Gradually as your teen grows up, the Rule puts them in the driver’s seat of their lives.  They start by avoiding trying to hurt themselves because you have stipulated it as being for your sake.  But ultimately they will see the wisdom of these words and start to make more judicious choices in general. 
        Rule Two covers a multitude of areas. It can be invoked to warn a teen off a crazy diet, or convince them to quit smoking.  It can also help them to see that self-destructive behaviors may hurt others as well as themselves. This will give them an out when there is a crazy bungee-jumping-off-of-bridges escapade being planned.  A breezy “My mother made me promise not to die before she does,” can show a sense of good humor in telling a friend “no.”  This is the kind of “no” that just might save your kid’s life.  And other kids’as well.

        We don’t want to raise kids who cannot take risks, who are afraid of healthy adventure.  We also don’t want to raise kids who think we don’t care, and because they think we don’t care will do things that they are not ready for or which will put them in high chances of mortal danger. When your child says, as each of mine has, “I’m going out to this party tonight and I’ve got a ride home,” and you say, “Who’s driving?” and they say “Jake.”  And you say, “Isn’t Jake the kid who was kicked out of school for coming drunk to math class?” And your teenager says “Yeah,” then you’ve clearly got a Rule Two situation.  You don’t want your child in a car with a person who has a drinking problem.  So, you invoke Rule Two.  And it probably will go like this:
        “I’m invoking Rule Two here.  Jake is a danger in my book.  Find someone else to drive you.”
        “Geez! Who?” 
        “I don’t know who.  Someone else.  Then let me know.”
        “But I already told Jake I’d ride with him.”
        “Find someone else.”
        Being firm.  Expressing your concern and offering an alternative solution will most often get you what you want.  If not, bring out the big guns:
        “I could always turn up at the party, you know.”
        Rule Two is like champagne.  It’s meant to be served up only on special occasions.  Using Rule Two to keep your child from joining a sports team or from going shopping with kids you think are dull, is not what it was made for.  Using it to keep them from sleeping overnight at the home of a friend of a friend of a friend may be useful.  You may be in negotiating mode here and that’s okay.  You’re not being a coward.  You’re reasoning yourself and your teen to a successful outcome. You’re heading up a family, not a military unit. 
        Rule One & Rule Two are so simple and so fair, and in a way, so funny to hear, that teenagers can get them and use them right away.   Try them and see.  What have you got to lose?  They cost nothing.  And they work.

Excerpted from Because Life is a Wild Ride – Raising a Sane and Successful Teeanager by M.A. Maggiore copyright 2012. Please do not reproduce this material without explicit and written permission from Mary Ann Maggiore.