Because Life is a Wild Ride Chapter 2--The 80-20 Formula:

Like many families, we came to the realization one day that we needed a fresh start.  I felt like I was not getting my more positive thoughts across to my kids.  And they were acting accordingly. That’s when we developed the 80-20 formula.  This formula says that in any task, or relating, your optimum balance should be 80% “Yes” and 20%  “No.”  It is a formula you may have been using unconsciously for a long time.  If so, then bravo!  But if your young person is feeling discouraged and has no vital interests that excite them, then it’s time to look at your 80-20 balance.

Here’s a tale that taught me how to use the 80-20 formula to generate enthusiasm for yard work in my son, Max. When Max was coming into his teen years, I decided one morning that the garden really needed some cleaning up.  I proposed it to him, but he was not interested. 

“I hate gardening,” he declared.  Yet, I knew that he had extensive experience gardening at school.

“But you garden every day at school,” I reasoned.  Bad strategy.  Reasoning rarely works to overcome distaste and where’s the positive possibility in it?.

“That’s because they make us.  No gardening.  No recess.”  Hmm, so should I go the mandatory route? No gardening, no visits to friends?  No, then we’ll end up in a head on collision.  Try moral suasion.

“We’re a family and the front yard of our family home looks awful.  I cannot fix it myself.  I need you to help, as part of this family.”  He looked at me blankly.

“You want me to fix the yard because other people will think we’re messy?”  Careful mom, he’s getting his own arguments ready.

“Yeeees,”  I say warily.  “That’s part of it.”

“Sheez, Mom.  I thought you told us not to care what other people think. Right?”  He was faced away from me, but I imagined a grin lurking somewhere on his face.  Ah!  He’s got me.  Or has he?

“Look, I’ve got everything out there – a shovel, the rake, the gloves, the pick.  All you have to do is……”

“A pick!?!  You have a pick?!?”

“Yes, of course…..”

“You didn’t mention a pick!”  Suddenly, he was up off the couch, out the door and into the garden.  The pick, with all its manly connotations of both power and destruction, was exactly what he needed.  He worked fiendishly for hours clearing weeds, turning over earth.  I followed behind gathering dead leavings and soon the garden was clear.  He wasn’t so interested in planting new bulbs.  But I could accept that, because I got my 80-20 balance and the garden was done.

Max dug 80% of the gardening, literally and figuratively, because most of the work involved a tool he really enjoyed.  He would even do 20% of what he considered the uninteresting tasks because the pick gave him so much satisfaction a majority of the time.

The 80% rule also means that your attitude toward your son or daughter is generally 80% yes and 20% no.   The vast majority of the time, you think of them as good people and tell them so.  When they ask you for something,  you try to see that they get it.  And you aren’t distressed when sometimes a trial effort doesn’t work out.  My daughter Gina thought she wanted to play piano.  We purchased an upright from a neighbor and she took lessons for a while. When it seemed that the piano was not her forte—80% frustration and only 20% success, we sold it to someone else.  It was okay.  Gina was learning about herself.  And we were learning about her, too.  She went on to many other things that were much more rewarding for her and which she delighted in and succeeded in, instead.

With school you want a strong positive balance, too.  As parents, we get better all around results when we encourage the intellect rather than just grades. Sure school is important but you are your child’s ultimate teacher.  Take them to plays and musical events --- ones you choose and ones that they choose, too.  Get a membership in a local museum so that you can go inexpensively and they can take friends for free.  Keep the visits brief. Don’t become a tour guide.  You are looking for that 80-20 balance, remember.   Half an hour might be just the right measure a first time visit.  Then work up to an hour then two in subsequent visits.  Watch and learn what intrigues your teen and put more of those kind of adventures in front of them. The same goes for trips to nature. Make them short and sweet and grow the interest and the stamina over time.

As far as school performance goes, accent the positive.  The pressure-cooker of competition for grades is not making our kids smarter, it’s making them more fearful.  And that can’t be good.  When you look over your teen’s report card, praise the fine work, the 80%,  you see represented there. “I notice all those late nights studying for Algebra tests are paying off.  Good for you!”  Inquire of the 20% that aren’t so great in a respectful manner: “Do you need some help on this history work?”  Don’t make perfection your guide rule.

 Studies show that kids who are forced to only seek perfection, often drop out or fail to reach their dreams. Studies also show that doing well or pretty well 80% of the time can lead to feelings of self-confidence and a willingness to take risks when the time is right.  These are qualities—self-confidence and a willingness to try some things that are new-- are valuable in every walk of life.

 Look for things your child enjoys doing well and accent those skills.   See that your child receives the support from you they need to shoulder on.  If the homework is too much, step in.  Help out.  Take them to the library and hang out in the magazine section while they work on their research.  Not with a  “You’re wasting my time” attitude but with a cheerfulness that tells your young person “I’m with you.”  When they seem to be flagging on a project, go over their thoughts or their outlines with them.  Not in a punitive, judgmental way, but with an air of respect for their efforts.

My daughter Gina reminded me of times when we turned schoolwork from “The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner” into a “Team Sport.”  Frazzled by school and work commitments, Gina could not face an application for an arts program that she really wanted to get into.  The essays put her into a state of anxiety which made her think she wouldn’t be accepted.  We developed a system.  She dictated her thoughts.  I wrote them down.  We went over the notes.  She typed them up.  She got into the program. 

The 80-20 rule forms teens who can do tasks, who can ask for help, who can work together and can be patient, too.  They don’t expect everything to constantly go their way.    They know life is great but it also has its tough moments.  This helps them to be more respectful of others. They use the 80-20 rule.  After a meal out they might say:  “The food wasn’t great but the waitress was a riot. It was fun.”  They can take any experience and get something out of it.

The best way to teach the 80-20 rule is to live it yourself.  Quit the negative self-talk.  Give yourself that 80% of positivity you need. Boost yourself and then you will be able to boost your young person, too. Show your kid the positives of your life and let them know how you are facing and over-coming difficulties. Try always to bring your life to an 80-20 balance. Happy parents, create happy kids.  The happier and more contented you are, the more likely your kid will be contented, too. And there is no better boost you can give your child than that.

Mary Ann Maggiore, is the Director of Five 4 Five a consulting service that advises families, teens and “new adults. You can reach her at maggiore@five4five.org.

Because Life is a Wild Ride— Chapter 1: The Two Basic Rules

        I have raised my own two teenagers.  I have helped 30 more at-risk teens make it into and through college, I have taught and guided hundreds of teens in programs and commissions for many years.  And through it all, teenagers and what I call “new adults” have remained my favorite people.
        Call me crazy but I find the years from 12 to the mid-20’s the most intriguing, exciting, interesting years of a person’s life.  Sure, I’ve done the 2 AM worry-walk a few times.  And I have had to appear at vice principal’s offices a couple of times.  But I found that all in all it wasn’t so hard.  I had a few basic guidelines and a fair amount of respect, for myself and the kids.   And so the rest of it has been kind of easy.
        Many people have asked my advice or my “tricks” for making this rollicking time in a family’s life so enjoyable and so successful.  So here are some of the “secrets” I can share with you.

The Two Basic Rules

        Let’s start with two simple rules. To initiate the rules, you need to begin from a positive point of view.   A peaceful place, a quiet weekend morning or afternoon will do.  Begin with a note of truth, followed by a note of optimism.  Something like:
        “I’d like to make sure we are always in good communication with each other. You get what you need and I get what I need.  So I am going to suggest two rules that I think will work for both of us….”   Then launch in.

Rule Number One -- You must have good manners.  This means you must be kind to me and kind to others in the world.  Don’t become a doormat.  But do take care, whether it’s at the dinner table or getting onto a bus, that you treat people with respect.

Rule Number Two – As much as it is within your power, you must seek to survive me.  Don’t do anything so stupid or so dangerous that it might get you killed.  Your job is to live long after I do.

        These rules are so simple, they are almost laughable.  You would think at first that they couldn’t do much. Yet, oddly enough, I have found over many years of practice that these rules cover a tremendous amount of ground.  And here’s why.
        As regards Rule Number One, though we often forget them, manners are the great civilizing power of our species.  Manners are what keep us from punching people when we are angry. Manners steady us when the line at the post office seems so tedious.  Manners help us slow down, and look before we act, think before we speak.  In those moments where manners lay their claim, compassion often steps in, giving us a chance to not only act more reasonably but to see more clearly beyond our selves.  This “seeing beyond one’s self” is one of the most important skills you can help your teen attain.
        Every time we say please or thank you, or hold the door, carry a grocery bag, tell someone we love them, chew with our mouths closed, we are increasing our manners quotient and also improving our lives and the life of the world around us. Regardless of their personality or their developmental level, this rule helps your teen create their own guidelines for behaving well in the world.  And that’s so much of what great parenting is all about – that a young person eventually becomes self –motivated and does not need us to remind them of what needs to be done.  They can approach a situation on their own and give it what they know it rightfully needs.
        Kids want to be decent human beings.  They like to be treated well.  And they can be persuaded, more times than not, to treat others well, too.  Even if they don’t always follow the rule, or even if they give the impression of not listening, the rule has an inner engine that will, over time, do its work.  Be patient.  Don’t fight over it.  Be firm.  Step back.  Let some time go.   As time goes by you may see that the value of this edict can be very powerful.
        Rule One gives your teen the guideline he or she needs to rectify many foibles: Forgetting to take out the garbage.  Leaving wet laundry in the washing machine for two days.  Borrowing clothes without asking.  Forgetting to take videos back to the video store.  Neglecting to call when they will be late for dinner.  When you point out any of these misfortunes, say how you want the situation corrected and leave the conversation without threats or anger. You will be amazed at how often situations rectify themselves.
        So much for Rule One.  Now on to Rule Two.
        Rule Two as we have noted says:  “As much as it is within your power, you must seek to survive me.” Because the rule states, “As much as it is within your power,” it offers your teen the chance to reason with their own power.  Gradually as your teen grows up, the Rule puts them in the driver’s seat of their lives.  They start by avoiding trying to hurt themselves because you have stipulated it as being for your sake.  But ultimately they will see the wisdom of these words and start to make more judicious choices in general. 
        Rule Two covers a multitude of areas. It can be invoked to warn a teen off a crazy diet, or convince them to quit smoking.  It can also help them to see that self-destructive behaviors may hurt others as well as themselves. This will give them an out when there is a crazy bungee-jumping-off-of-bridges escapade being planned.  A breezy “My mother made me promise not to die before she does,” can show a sense of good humor in telling a friend “no.”  This is the kind of “no” that just might save your kid’s life.  And other kids’as well.

        We don’t want to raise kids who cannot take risks, who are afraid of healthy adventure.  We also don’t want to raise kids who think we don’t care, and because they think we don’t care will do things that they are not ready for or which will put them in high chances of mortal danger. When your child says, as each of mine has, “I’m going out to this party tonight and I’ve got a ride home,” and you say, “Who’s driving?” and they say “Jake.”  And you say, “Isn’t Jake the kid who was kicked out of school for coming drunk to math class?” And your teenager says “Yeah,” then you’ve clearly got a Rule Two situation.  You don’t want your child in a car with a person who has a drinking problem.  So, you invoke Rule Two.  And it probably will go like this:
        “I’m invoking Rule Two here.  Jake is a danger in my book.  Find someone else to drive you.”
        “Geez! Who?” 
        “I don’t know who.  Someone else.  Then let me know.”
        “But I already told Jake I’d ride with him.”
        “Find someone else.”
        Being firm.  Expressing your concern and offering an alternative solution will most often get you what you want.  If not, bring out the big guns:
        “I could always turn up at the party, you know.”
        Rule Two is like champagne.  It’s meant to be served up only on special occasions.  Using Rule Two to keep your child from joining a sports team or from going shopping with kids you think are dull, is not what it was made for.  Using it to keep them from sleeping overnight at the home of a friend of a friend of a friend may be useful.  You may be in negotiating mode here and that’s okay.  You’re not being a coward.  You’re reasoning yourself and your teen to a successful outcome. You’re heading up a family, not a military unit. 
        Rule One & Rule Two are so simple and so fair, and in a way, so funny to hear, that teenagers can get them and use them right away.   Try them and see.  What have you got to lose?  They cost nothing.  And they work.

Excerpted from Because Life is a Wild Ride – Raising a Sane and Successful Teeanager by M.A. Maggiore copyright 2009. Please do not reproduce this material without explicit and written permission from Mary Ann Maggiore.