Mama Maggiore's Ten Key Rules for Raising a Sane and Successful Teen

Chapter 4  Mama Maggiore’s Ten Key Rules for Raising a Sane and Successful Teen

These last several months I am starting to see teens and young adults in my private consulting practice. Not long ago, I finished a Novato TV interview here in California. Really wonderful experiences, all. In each session, whether with an interviewer, or a parent, or a kid, I notice myself sharing some of "Mama Maggiore's 10 Rules for Raising a Sane & Successful Teen." You know grandmas.   They always have something important to say! So here are some of Mama Maggiore's choice morsels to start with.  You know there will be plenty more to come! 

1) "Offer lightly intrusive guidance." In other words, don't be afraid to check in with your kids and suggest directions they might take. They may not follow you right away, but they'll keep your thoughts in mind and may blossom with them later.  You might say, "What's it feel like this new semester?  Do you feel you're on top of your work?" 

 Don't forget to check in about the emotional life, "How's it going with A, that friend you had the quarrel with last week?"  Or the business of life, either: "I see the plant nursery is hiring for the summer. You once said you would like to work with plants.  Would you like me to help you put a resume together?"

2) "Determine what your young person is good at and what they enjoy and enlarge from there."  When Gina was a first year student in high school, she came home so jazzed about her ceramic sculpture class.  The stuff she brought home from the class was amazing.  The school didn't offer any more classes in ceramics after the first year, so I found a teacher, who's studio was within walking distance of the school and Gina began to study with her.  It grew into a lifelong passion.  Today, Gina is a working artist and the Chair of the Art Department in a wonderful high school. Gina was good at many things, and your teen probably is too. Noticing what she loved and helping her enlarge on that was the key.  Also key is to notice what they are good at and also enjoy. Albert Einstein pointed this out as well saying, "You may be good at something and not necessarily enjoy it.  Choose the thing that makes you happiest."  Help your young person do the same.

3) "Don't discourage studies that you think are not materially useful." Art, Home Home Ec, Early Ethiopian Politics -- all learning can be to the good. I know. I raised two successful artists! How often do I use my own study of Medieval History? Practically every day.  It taught me what a life integrated with scholarship, service, art, music and spiritual practice could mean for me.  It also showed me distinct forms of leadership and how they work and when and how they fail to work.  People tease me about my knowledge of history.  But it is my touchstone.  

Another example:  My son, Max, always was very brainy with numbers and science. People marveled at his skills and told me he must become a scientist.  He also loved theater.  Should I have discouraged him from spending half of his days in the Drama department at school?  No!  He loved it and was good at that too.  Eventually Max became a stage electrician -- blending both sides of his brain into something integrated that he loved.  

4) " Introduce them to networks that will lift them up: Mentors besides you that can help them find new jobs, new skills, new adventures."  Gosh, how often do I hear parents say "I am so frustrated with my teenager. "? They just don't seem to have direction in life."  Uh, Mom? Dad?  This "direction in your teen's life" is YOUR job. 

 You know a ton of people.  Many of them doing amazing things.  YOU are doing amazing things. Remember the concept of the "Informational Interview?" Teach this skill to your kids.  Introduce your daughter or son to your work and your life.  Then introduce them to people you know.  Teach them to visit with people and ask what they do and how they do it.  Where did they go to school?  How did they learn to do what they do?  Do they have any advice?  Do they every hire teens?  No pressure.  Lots of learning and lots of time to muse over what they've learned.  I've introduced countless teens to corporate officers, judges, teachers, health care professionals, scientists.  The adult world is wide.  And it can be scary.  By bringing it to your kid in small, easy to handle, stress-free experiences, you give them a chance to see their paths into their future place in it.

Then when they're ready: Teach them to apply for college or for a job, or to write a resume, do well in an interview, send a thank you note."  Do not make the skills of approaching adulthood into weekly lecture sessions.  They have had more than enough of that at school.  "I know you're thinking about your personal essay for college.  It's important and you have some great stories to tell.  Have you thought of any that show who you are and what you think is important?"    If you want to teach them about applying for a job and going for an interview, don't make it too directive.  Instead, you might tell them a story about you and a simple way in which you triumphed when you first applied for and got a job. 

A resume the two of you may have to pound out together.  Because work experience is limited in the young, help them list and describe their volunteer work and their work with clubs or assistants at school.  It will impress employers with their initiative.

The thank you note and keeping in touch afterward are very important.  Even in today's world of fast technology and breezy contact.  Potential employers like to be appreciated, just like anyone else.  Your teen can thank them for their time and insights and perhaps win the job.  Or may be not.  But that isn't the point, is it?  A thank you, whether hand-written and sent through the post office or emailed, it is an exercise in good manners.  And that practice never goes to waste.

5) Never say, "I told you so." Ugh.  Four simple words in a crushing combo.  Your kid knows they screwed up.  Don't rub it in. Be still.  And let Silence be its own lesson.

6) The purple iris on its long, elegant stalk bloomed on this cold, wintry day reminding me of Mama Maggiore's Rule #6 for "Raising a Sane and Successful Teen": "Be patient." The seed you planted in one season will often wait to bloom in another. Have faith.  In your kid.  And in yourself.

7) "Celebrate triumphs; look for future solutions in failures."  Words are sometimes the 

greatest testament to a triumph.  I often have said the words of praise and then written a variant of them down in a note that I laid on their pillow. 

 Food is a fun celebrant for good grades or a great hockey game or a terrific presentation.  "What would you like for dinner?"  A small token, a book, a flower all say --"You're right on track, kiddo!"  In failures, help your teen see what went well and how they could build on that:  "I know you wanted an A on this report. Let's see... the beginning is very strong. Really brings the reader in. And the ending offers a wonderful solution.  What would you need to do to give more detail in the middle?"

8)  "Create an Exit Strategy."  As your teen leaves you to go into the adult world, you need to sit down with yourself and your partner to figure out:  How much money can we give to our young person? How regularly and for how long?  How often might we call or contact them?  How often would we like to see them for holidays, special occasions? Vacations?  Then negotiate with your teen or new adult.  And watch for moments that need tweaking.  Some periods of their lives they may need more money or more phone contact or less money and less guidance.  But overall you’re giving them a game plan for leaving you.  This is perhaps the most important gift you can give your kid.  And the hardest.  You can do it.  Be fair.  Be kind.  Be somewhat adaptable.  Let go.

9) "Teach your teen how to date and how to fall in love."  This is such an important facet of parenting that we will have to have a separate section on it.  Stay tuned!

10) "Teach your teen how to serve."  Teens are often described as narcissistic.  And that's true.  Up to a point.  For while teens are often, especially at home, inordinately devoted to their story, their lives, their room, their needs, outside of home they are often deeply involved in others.  Teens are people of passion.  There is often tendency not just toward the passion of emotion, but the passion of helping, of giving of being creative, of doing, of making things happen.  This energy to give and to mold the world in their image can be channeled.  It must be channeled.  It is the only way our world will survive.  

Teach your teen to choose causes and activities that matter to them and to serve them well.  Whether it's helping with the school dance or visiting the nearby nursing home or marching for a cause they believe in.  Show them all the ways you and others participate in your neighborhood, your religious and/or political organization, your town, you state, your nation, the world.  Make sure they are aware of the poor and the different ways you see of giving help -- whether its support or new skills.  See that they travel as much as you can afford so that they become aware of other cultures and other ways of doing Life.

I run a non-profit called Five 4 Five.  We choose at-risk youth in teams of five for five years and help them out of high school, into a college or training program and then on to meaningful jobs.  Our students are the poorest of the poor.  Some have been orphaned; some are homeless when they come to us.  When we started to work with the first group of teens and things were really going, one young man, Ricardo came to me and said:  “This is good.  You’re giving us help.  Now we’ve got to figure out a way to help other people.”  And that just about sums it up doesn’t it?  We don’t live this life alone.  And it is totally okay to show your teen the hard side of it.  And then teach them how to deal and how to work to make it better.