Here’s a tale that taught me how to use the 80-20 formula to generate enthusiasm for yard work in my son, Max. When Max was coming into his teen years, I decided one morning that the garden really needed some cleaning up. I proposed it to him, but he was not interested.
“I hate gardening,” he declared. Yet, I knew that he had extensive experience gardening at school.
“But you garden every day at school,” I reasoned. Bad strategy. Reasoning rarely works to overcome distaste and where’s the positive possibility in it?.
“That’s because they make us. No gardening. No recess.” Hmm, so should I go the mandatory route? No gardening, no visits to friends? No, then we’ll end up in a head on collision. Try moral suasion.
“We’re a family and the front yard of our family home looks awful. I cannot fix it myself. I need you to help, as part of this family.” He looked at me blankly.
“You want me to fix the yard because other people will think we’re messy?” Careful mom, he’s getting his own arguments ready.
“Yeeees,” I say warily. “That’s part of it.”
“Sheez, Mom. I thought you told us not to care what other people think. Right?” He was faced away from me, but I imagined a grin lurking somewhere on his face. Ah! He’s got me. Or has he?
“Look, I’ve got everything out there – a shovel, the rake, the gloves, the pick. All you have to do is……”
“A pick!?! You have a pick?!?”
“Yes, of course…..”
“You didn’t mention a pick!” Suddenly, he was up off the couch, out the door and into the garden. The pick, with all its manly connotations of both power and destruction, was exactly what he needed. He worked fiendishly for hours clearing weeds, turning over earth. I followed behind gathering dead leavings and soon the garden was clear. He wasn’t so interested in planting new bulbs. But I could accept that, because I got my 80-20 balance and the garden was done.
Max dug 80% of the gardening, literally and figuratively, because most of the work involved a tool he really enjoyed. He would even do 20% of what he considered the uninteresting tasks because the pick gave him so much satisfaction a majority of the time.
The 80% rule also means that your attitude toward your son or daughter is generally 80% yes and 20% no. The vast majority of the time, you think of them as good people and tell them so. When they ask you for something, you try to see that they get it. And you aren’t distressed when sometimes a trial effort doesn’t work out. My daughter Gina thought she wanted to play piano. We purchased an upright from a neighbor and she took lessons for a while. When it seemed that the piano was not her forte—80% frustration and only 20% success, we sold it to someone else. It was okay. Gina was learning about herself. And we were learning about her, too. She went on to many other things that were much more rewarding for her and which she delighted in and succeeded in, instead.
With school you want a strong positive balance, too. As parents, we get better all around results when we encourage the intellect rather than just grades. Sure school is important but you are your child’s ultimate teacher. Take them to plays and musical events --- ones you choose and ones that they choose, too. Get a membership in a local museum so that you can go inexpensively and they can take friends for free. Keep the visits brief. Don’t become a tour guide. You are looking for that 80-20 balance, remember. Half an hour might be just the right measure a first time visit. Then work up to an hour then two in subsequent visits. Watch and learn what intrigues your teen and put more of those kind of adventures in front of them. The same goes for trips to nature. Make them short and sweet and grow the interest and the stamina over time.
As far as school performance goes, accent the positive. The pressure-cooker of competition for grades is not making our kids smarter, it’s making them more fearful. And that can’t be good. When you look over your teen’s report card, praise the fine work, the 80%, you see represented there. “I notice all those late nights studying for Algebra tests are paying off. Good for you!” Inquire of the 20% that aren’t so great in a respectful manner: “Do you need some help on this history work?” Don’t make perfection your guide rule.
Studies show that kids who are forced to only seek perfection, often drop out or fail to reach their dreams. Studies also show that doing well or pretty well 80% of the time can lead to feelings of self-confidence and a willingness to take risks when the time is right. These are qualities—self-confidence and a willingness to try some things that are new-- are valuable in every walk of life.
Look for things your child enjoys doing well and accent those skills. See that your child receives the support from you they need to shoulder on. If the homework is too much, step in. Help out. Take them to the library and hang out in the magazine section while they work on their research. Not with a “You’re wasting my time” attitude but with a cheerfulness that tells your young person “I’m with you.” When they seem to be flagging on a project, go over their thoughts or their outlines with them. Not in a punitive, judgmental way, but with an air of respect for their efforts.
My daughter Gina reminded me of times when we turned schoolwork from “The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner” into a “Team Sport.” Frazzled by school and work commitments, Gina could not face an application for an arts program that she really wanted to get into. The essays put her into a state of anxiety which made her think she wouldn’t be accepted. We developed a system. She dictated her thoughts. I wrote them down. We went over the notes. She typed them up. She got into the program.
The 80-20 rule forms teens who can do tasks, who can ask for help, who can work together and can be patient, too. They don’t expect everything to constantly go their way. They know life is great but it also has its tough moments. This helps them to be more respectful of others. They use the 80-20 rule. After a meal out they might say: “The food wasn’t great but the waitress was a riot. It was fun.” They can take any experience and get something out of it.
The best way to teach the 80-20 rule is to live it yourself. Quit the negative self-talk. Give yourself that 80% of positivity you need. Boost yourself and then you will be able to boost your young person, too. Show your kid the positives of your life and let them know how you are facing and over-coming difficulties. Try always to bring your life to an 80-20 balance. Happy parents, create happy kids. The happier and more contented you are, the more likely your kid will be contented, too. And there is no better boost you can give your child than that.
Excerpted from Because Life is a Wild Ride – Raising a Sane and Successful Teeanager by M.A. Maggiore copyright 2012. Please do not reproduce this material without explicit and written permission from Mary Ann Maggiore.
Excerpted from Because Life is a Wild Ride – Raising a Sane and Successful Teeanager by M.A. Maggiore copyright 2012. Please do not reproduce this material without explicit and written permission from Mary Ann Maggiore.
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